Two steps forward, one step back

At first, I hung on to my sister's words as if they could save my very life: the first 6 weeks are the hardest.

I marked the 6th week on a calendar. Getting to that mark became my long-term goal, just as getting through the next few minutes represented the short-term goal.

One grief counselor encouraged me to write a journal. Initially I scoffed at the VERY IDEA that I could possibly do ONE MORE THING, but decided to be "good-er than I am" by patiently listening to whatever crazy rationale might exist for such a ridiculous suggestion.

Grief is two steps forward, one step back, but you never feel the forward movement. All you ever feel is the one step back. You begin to feel as if you are falling into a bottomless pit of grief.

In addition you your loss, the grief itself becomes a never-ending nightmare - the first one faced without your beloved. By keeping a journal, you create an initial reference point. Later, reading the older entries, you see progress previously hidden. Your changed outlook, represented in the journal, provides encouragement. The changes throw light on the darkness - not actually banishing the bad dream - but keeping you from stubbing you toes in the dark.

Writing DID help me. Looking at the early entries, I transport myself to that place and time. Although I experience the feelings and mental state of that time, now there is something more:

A hint of new strength, a wisp of Spirit.